Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Wow, that was a long time between posts...

... and I really have no exciting excuses. Life's been puttering along as per usual, with a few things in to keep it interesting.

The waking up overnight hasn't disappeared, but it's getting better for the most part. This week we're sick with yet another round of cold/flu, but as long as N. is happy during the day, I'm going to put up with whatever he throws at me overnight.

He's growing and developing in leaps and bounds lately. The constant babbling is now accompanied by cruising and standing (although the latter is quite wobbly). He has six teeth, three up and three down, and he's just so much fun.

A month from today, he'll be a year old. I can't even think about it rationally right now, because it's just so beyond belief. A year ago today, he was still in my belly, and I was wondering about who he would be, what his name would be, if he would in fact be a he.

I'm having a hard time processing it for a very weird reason. I'm a scientist by training, and I get genetics. I studied genetics for 11 years. I know that, by definition, there was a moment in 2007 when two haploid cells fused and made my baby. According to genetics, it was pretty much completely random which two cells happened to get together, and any other of the billions or trillions of combinations possible coming from my genome and Hubby's genome would've made a different kid. Before that moment, he didn't exist as a separate entity.

Problem is, in my heart I just can't believe that. And it's frigging with my head.

I have many good memories of my life leading up to my pregnancy and to N.'s birth. I've been extraordinarily lucky to have wonderful family and friends that have been there for many years before N. came along. But I can't believe that he didn't exist in some form before then. He's too perfect, he's my baby, he's my heart. He was given to me for a reason, and I can't grasp a universe where he wasn't somewhere, waiting to come home to his momma.

I never knew it was possible to love one tiny kid this much.

(maybe I need to lay off the cold meds)