Tuesday, October 23, 2007

On comfort.

Well, the cat is out of the bag, and everyone knows. All the family and friends who were in the inner sanctum have been given the go-ahead to tell the rest of the world, and the news is making the rounds. Quite fast, if the messages I'm getting on facebook are any indication.

And, truthfully speaking, I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with that.

The logical part of me knows that it's not realistic to keep the news a secret for much longer (even though it would be easy to accomplish since my family and friends are practically all a thousand miles away). I've passed the benchmarks, and things seem to be going well (a nice heartbeat was heard last Wednesday, and I'm feeling better although still queasy a lot of the time). It's just weird - now that it's out, it's both more real to me and more surreal at the same time.

We told Hubby's aunt and uncle this weekend. We see them once a month for a little shopping excursion (since we have no car) and lunch, which gives us a nice little visit. They were of course overjoyed, and were more than happy to take us an extra 10 minute drive outside of town so I could shop for relatively cheap maternity clothes. I was surprised at how reasonably priced everything was, and Hubby was surprised that most of what was available didn't "look like a tent".

I hadn't realized how much my shape had changed, even though my weight has only gone up 3lb. I had stopped wearing a belt most of the time, since my pants were starting to just fit (before they were loose), but once I put on some maternity pants, I was in heaven. All of a sudden, I wasn't constricted or uncomfortable anymore; it turns out that even my super stretchy sweats were snug in the wrong places. I also found myself in the middle of another paradox - even though I was absolutely thrilled that my pre-pregnancy size turned out smaller than I thought (I'd expected to be in XL but I'm nowhere near that), I discovered that I'm completely comfortable with my growing belly. It sticks out a little further than I would've thought for my present stage, but I'm OK with it.

Maybe I'm only OK with it because it's shaped such that it's obvious that I'm pregnant and not just really pudgy ;-)

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

On morning sickness and being grateful.

If I take into account the error involved in dating a pregnancy by the last menstrual period (I don't ovulate at the proscribed time, and therefore am off by 3 days), I'm pretty sure that I'm officially finished my first trimester, and at least one or two days into my second.

Everywhere I look, I read about how the second trimester is better, both in terms of the exhaustion and the nausea. I have noticed some differences lately, but I'm not sure that I'm completely past either one.

The nausea has changed its pattern, and it's a pretty clear change. Up until last week, I was nauseous all day, every day. It would wax and wane, and it seemed that if I could eat through it I'd feel better for about an hour, then it would return. Lately, though, the mornings are still really bad (maybe even a little bit worse), but the afternoons are usually nearly incident-free. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get a period of time each day that stretches to seven or eight hours, so that I can get my productivity back up. I can now eat supper successfully most days, and lunch usually. I'm working my way back to breakfast.

The exhaustion is also still there, but it's changed too. I'm finding it harder and harder to get to sleep, even when I'm really tired, but I can't sleep in anymore. I'd gotten into a routine of going to bed early, and then getting up after 10 hours of sleep, whenever that happened to be (God bless forgiving employers!). The past few days, I've been waking up earlier and earlier, no matter when I get to sleep. Maybe this means I'm getting back into a normal routine. I sure hope so.

Another pregnant blogger posted on Monday about how she's eternally grateful to be pregnant, but that she's not grateful for the symptoms (her situation has been far more trying than mine, and she has my support and respect for it). I used to tell everyone that I was happy to be sick, because it meant that a healthy pregnancy was more likely from the get-go, and I now realize that's not true. Most people aren't happy with being sick all day long, or with less restful sleep patterns. Who in their right mind would be thrilled being less productive at work, or being unable to enjoy cooking and eating as much as they used to? That doesn't mean we're not thrilled to be pregnant.

I have never been happier, or more excited, or more scared, all at the same time. I'm grateful for my feelings, and I'm grateful for my child. I'm trying to appreciate my changing shape, as a preview of the life changes that are coming.

I think for today, though, I'm going to forget about all those big picture things. For today, I'm grateful for the fact that my lunch is settling, and I'm feeling well enough to do some computer work from home.

Monday, October 8, 2007

So much for my spotless record.

Last night was a tear-fest, and it sucked.

I have many theories as to why I finally just broke down, and I'm not sure which to believe. It was Thanksgiving back at home, and most of my family and friends were eating turkey and taters and desserts like pumpkin pie and apple crisp. Hubby and I did decide to go out for lunch, since I didn't feel like cooking up a big complicated meal, and it was pretty good. I had a great burger, and we stopped for ice cream on the way home.

The physical part of the problem started after we picked up our ice cream - one of my pregnancy symptoms is periodic attacks of *gas*. The pain and discomfort rate up at about 11 out of 10, although it usually resolves itself within 24 hours. So, that didn't help my mood at all.

The emotional part had several components. First, I decided to let my parents tell my 88 year old grandmother, and my dad's cousin (who's like a sister to him), and I think I didn't recognize how far away I'd feel, just talking to them over the phone.

My parents and brothers have known for a while. I'd had a bit of a panicked day when we were home for my older brother's wedding, and so I had to tell Mom, Dad, and my little brother (who was my travel companion during the panicked time - see the bottom of this post), so they were told out of necessity. I told my older brother and sister-in-law shortly after, so as not to take attention away from their wedding.

*Edited to remove my mean-spirited rant*

Sigh. After the whole day's discomforts, I just lost it. Poor Hubby didn't know what to do.

Hopefully this week will be better. It's sunny out right now, when they were forecasting rain, so maybe that's a good sign.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

On being grateful.

One of the many side effects of pregnancy (and there are many, I know, because I've experienced nearly all of them) is the tendency to be overemotional.

I've always been an emotional person, but it hits me at the weirdest times. When I was planning my wedding, I would get teary just thinking about first dance songs. During the ceremony, I bounced around like a jumping bean and never once got choked up because I was just so excited.

Fortunately, I've rarely cried in front of people since becoming pregnant. The only exceptions have been those evenings when I've gone the entire day without food, have been really sick, and my husband comes home and takes care of me. When he comes home, brings me jello and juice, and tucks me into bed, I usually cry because I love and appreciate him so much. The past couple of weeks, though, one thing pops into my head and makes me very emotional.

It's the knowledge that, even though only a handful of people know about my present state, this child is so loved. I am so lucky.

Monday, October 1, 2007


I just realized that I forgot to post after my first OB appointment, and that's just not right.

Everything went pretty well, I must say. The only shock (which wasn't really a shock so much as a reality check) was my pre-pregnancy weight. And that's all we'll say about that.

The bottom line is, so far so good. The OB did a quick u/s in the office, and sent us for a second full one based on something he saw. It was a slightly frightening few days in between, even though he tried to be very reassuring. Now, forgive me for getting up on my soapbox, but I have an urge.

When the OB did the u/s, just to check for size and dates, he saw something that he felt was "unusual". He never used the word abnormal, or gave us any reason to think something was wrong, but when he called in a colleague to look, that freaked me out.

The second u/s was scheduled for within 5 days, and they were the longest 5 days of my life. The scan was very thorough, though, and the sonographer very reassuring. She showed the films to the radiologist, and it turns out that what the OB saw was a very normal feature for our gestational age.

Don't get me wrong, I was very happy to get the second scan; the reassurance helped me immensely. My problem in all this is that the OB (who in all other respects is a very good OB/GYN, and I'm happy with him) is NOT a sonographer, and does not have the knowledge to interpret anything past size and date. But, you say, he didn't try to interpret - he sent you to a qualified sonographer. Correct, but perhaps I should've been sent to a sonographer from the get-go, rather than put me through those 5 days of waiting, if it's that important to check size and dates.

*she steps gently down from her platform to signal an abrupt subject change*

We're nearing the date that we're planning on going public with. That part is just as scary. My parents know already, but they're itching to tell some of our close family. *Sigh* I just wish I could be home with them.