Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Brain mush

I used to write all the time, and it was theraputic. Now, most days I feel as if my brain has turned to mush, and it's all I can do to get up, get dressed, and carry on simple conversations with Hubby.

And I never want it to end.

If I was back in Canada, I still wouldn't even be halfway through my maternity leave, but the reality of it is, I have three weeks left. The other side of that reality is that my grant only has three weeks left on it after I start back. We have to reapply or I could be unemployed, and that is some scary shit, people.

But, I have to be completely honest about the whole thing, because I'm torn. On the one hand, there's a large part of me that would love to have more time off, and that's the part that feels guilty about going back to work. I know that there are many many mothers here in the US who don't even get five months off, and I'm really grateful, but I feel guilty. On the other hand, and I feel even more guilty about this, there's a part of me that needs to be a grown-up with a job again.

I think that's why my brain is mush - I keep trying to reconcile this, and it melts my synapses. I can't understand how I can love N. so much, and even consider not being with him 24 hours a day. When I think about leaving him at daycare, I start to cry, but I look forward to getting back to my experiments.

It's killing me. And, evidently, making me ramble.

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