I had my first meltdown in quite a while this morning, and I'm guessing it was a long time coming. I can't even blame it on a lack of sleep, because my little champ is still snoozing now, at 9:15AM, like he usually is every morning.
I've been trying not to think about going back to work, but it's hard not to. As a post-doc, and as a scientist in general, it's difficult to have long absences from work, even if they're for child-rearing. I have to keep working as much as possible for my future, and for N.'s future, and my logical brain knows this.
Maternity leave here in the US isn't great. In fact, it sucks. I'm one of the lucky ones, because I know that some people only get six WEEKS, where I can take nearly 6 months. The majority of that is unpaid, but at least I get all that time to bond with my little angel. I don't like to think about the fact that if I'd stayed in Canada I'd have a year, and that I'd be paid half time for that whole year.
I still have lots of time left, but I have to start preparing to take N. to daycare, and that is breaking my heart over and over and over. I mean, he's my baby. He needs me, and I need him. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to do this.
I also know it'll be good for him. We've been here for almost 16 months, but we're still strangers here. I don't have any friends in the city, and most of the time that's OK with me, but I think socializing N. with other babies and kids will be a really great experience.
But, he's my baby. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to do this.